Scared Betty

Change can be scary, ask Betty. He's terrified of storms. He wants his summer back.

Change is bittersweet. Though I have welcomed this changed, even threatened and boasted of the desire for it for years, I’m a little sad right now. There is always a moment right before change takes place that the original seem more appealing than ever.

I have had numerous opportunities and benefits from my current (at least for the next six days) employer. However, through the years, I have continuously found something to complain about: the drive, the academics, the administration, the philosophy, etc. This is simply human nature. I have been an outsider in this community, and I have truly felt it many times. I have said many times that I would get out when I had the chance. But for five years, I never truly looked.

And this job fell in my lap. Within five days, I was informed of the opening; given an improvised, last minute interview; and offered the job. It all happened so fast. This job, the job I had dreamed about for three years, was right in front of me. I could no longer make false claims or idle threats. Do or die. Take it, make true, or let it pass by, staying in comfort.

During the decision-making process, I weighed what I would be leaving with what I would be joining. And it never fails, no matter what job one is giving up, that the current job is suddenly attractive again. I romanticized it. I remembered the best students, my favorite co-workers, the priority I had in many situations, the clout I had built up through the years, and most of all, my team and their parents. It all seemed so pleasant. Why should I leave it?

But then I remembered my aim as an instructor. My dream of teaching English was to be like my favorite AP teachers and professors in college. I wanted to inspire, do more than just teach the basics. I wanted to be in an academic climate. I forced myself to remember those times mid-semester when I wanted to simply do my job but I was faced with extra duties and not being backed up with the academic load I tried to put on the students. It was those moments when I wanted to be somewhere else.

And I reminded myself that I cannot spend my entire teaching career in one school system. I know better than that. I must be diversified. I can’t be satisfied having one source for my principles. I need the experience. And I think I need the challenge, the push of a new school.

So, after much more searching, I took the job. Yesterday I sat with my director of schools, a man who has been infinitely helpful to me. We discussed my future and goals, and like the true gentleman he is, he wished me the best of luck, giving me his full support of my decision. And then it really hit me what I was leaving.

Today, summer school ended and I packed the last of my stuff into my car. I took a last look around, and I began to feel the emotion I had been packing away. I don’t do emotions well, and sadness is almost alien. Anxiety is the only emotion I regularly feel, and that’s what been on high alert lately.

Though my job description will not be changing, I am still an English teacher after all, my surroundings will. I have to continually remind myself that I know how to do my job. I’ve been doing it well for five years. This is just a change of scenery, with a little bit of a change in philosophy. But a welcomed change.

For five years, I have worked in an ultra-conservative environment. Prior to that, I went to school in an overbearingly conservative institution. No one could be surrounded by such blindly conservative beliefs for 9 years and not be affected. Perhaps at first, in college, I felt comfortable. But once I started to come into my own beliefs and ideas, I felt I could never voice them. Then I took this job I am now leaving. My surroundings were so closed minded to even my moderate views. I was seen as a bleeding-heart liberal. And after being told I was too liberal to voice my views around my colleagues, I began to want to distance myself from my surroundings. A number of those in this surrounding have accepted the dogmas of their friends and families so willingly, without any personal searching, and they openly voice their opinions without any knowledge or certainty. It is from these people that I have become who I am, having fought for the reasoning behind my beliefs.

Now that I leave this place for a more liberal setting, I wonder if I will become more conservative. Perhaps I will fit right in with my new liberal colleagues. Perhaps they will push me to develop and try many of the things I have wanted to do here but have lacked the support.

I can only hope that I had some kind of influence on the people I have taught and coached through the years. Without preaching my beliefs, I have tried to open minds to encompass more than just this town or county, more than this state or nation, more than just one set of beliefs. My hope, upon leaving what has been my home for five years, is that my former students and athletes will recognize that they are more than just an individual set on this earth to serve their individual needs and desires; they are here more than just to satisfy themselves or even their immediate surroundings. I want them to get out: get out from underneath their parents, whether they be good or bad, and become and individual; get out of their hometown to develop some sense of self sufficiency; get out of their comfort zone to learn more than what can be taught in books.

Now all I can do is wait to see what happens with them. My job here is done. On to the next.